Madden Guy: Revisited

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Who doesn’t like football? Everyone likes football. Even if you don’t follow football, it’s not so bad seeing a game here and there, cracking open a bottle of pops with bros, and seeing dudes in ridiculous pants get hit.

I love football. I love it more when the San Francisco 49ers are coached by Jim Harbaugh rather than Mike Singletary and thump the Packers in their house. Madden games are alright. Even if you’re not a god at them, they are a nice waste of time. Pick one up every few years, get a team and go to the Super Bowl. Even if they aren’t your thing, if you’re in a room with a friend playing it, we can waste a few minutes? Right? I don’t mind Madden. I mind EA continually sending out a rehash every year (when they should just offer an update via DLC for ten bucks), but I don’t mind some Madden.

What I don’t like is Madden Guy. In fact, nobody who plays video games likes Madden Guy. Madden Guy makes all nerds, gamers, and geeks look bad.

Keep in mind, we’re talking about people with severe acne problems, residents of their parents basements, and students who write term papers on game violence. Yeah, Madden Guy makes these guys look bad. It takes a lot to do it, but he gives all of us a bad name. Well, in the sense of he doesn’t ever want to be associated with us… period.

Yet people think Madden Guy is the gamer’s gamer.

This is when he comes out of hibernation. That’s where the trouble starts. Because the new Madden hit store shelves a few weeks ago. Gotta get that Madden. NCAA 13 wasn’t enough. He needs his Madden.

Madden Guy has a next generation console. You wouldn’t know it if you saw him though, because Madden Guy is too busy slamming beers with the bros and chasing tail. Believe me, if you’re out at the bar scene getting with ladies, talking video games isn’t something to bring up. He has a PlayStation 3 or an Xbox 360, covertly tucked away on a shelf next to 20 years of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issues and back year copies of NCAA Football, NBA Basketball, and of course Madden. He doesn’t want to be in a game store more than he has to. So when he gets around to wanting to take his copies of Madden back to get the latest version, the shop already has Costco bulk and refuses his used games. He’s smartened up, so he’s got them back at home.

See, Madden Guy isn’t a gamer, yet he kinda is. He’ll say games are for nerds and he doesn’t do that kids stuff. Say video games are stupid and go beat up geeks.  Regardless of what he thinks, he’s regarded by the outside media (everything that isn’t games publications) as a gamer.  Tell him directly and he denies it. The media doesn’t know the difference. The game sells well, and consoles are bought by a large percentage of people who want nothing more than Madden. Madden Guy helped propel this business. *Claps* give him your dues.

You’re probably wondering why I’m going off on poor Madden Guy like this. Well it’s because I’m sick of his act. Now that Madden 13  has come out, I’m hearing from everywhere like it is some month long legal holiday for “gamers.” Yes, when a football game is released, every gamer considers it a legal holiday. Even better is when the non-gamers are talking about it on TV or the radio, they try to be cool with us saying,“I got my copy.” Not cool with us, you’re just being cool with Madden Guy.  When they say put down the Madden, they are talking to gamers…I’m pretty sure people who play a lot of video games DON’T invest much time in Madden. There are some gamers, but the gamers who do are not  Madden Guy.

This is for you media purists: Gamers generally hate Madden. A great deal of them like to play it, because they like football, but the majority of gamers who give game sales the other 364 days a year hate Madden. And they certainly aren’t storming the store every year to drop $60 on the same game with little improvements.  You guys need to stop talking like we treat a Madden release like a Harry Potter book release. We don’t. Final Fantasy had that honor until Square-Enix sent it to the crapper. I guess Halo is about as close as we get now to a release day where everyone goes wacky. This article isn’t for Halo guy though.  Though Halo Guy has some things in common with Madden Guy.

In fact, Madden Guy probably does play Halo. He needs to get his frat buddies together and shoot stuff up because Halo is cool. Madden is cool. Grand  Theft Auto is another game Madden Guy may go pick up on days that aren’t Madden release days. Mostly it’s Madden, but how cool is it to take a guy and crack a baseball bat on other people’s domes and not have the assault tickets in real life?

Here’s the deal Madden Guy. Just stop. One, stop denying the fact you play video games. Stop cracking on us for getting our game on like a hypocrite. Stop saying that video games are dumb, that games that aren’t GTA, Madden or Halo are stupid. Just stop. Don’t act like Madden is your football fix-it’s a video game and a poor simulation of the sport when you get down to it. It’s almost as ridiculous as when you dominate in Madden and think you’d be a great football coach. You’re doing the same thing we’re doing, just with Madden of all things. That’s like if a guy who reads Harry Potter says he hates reading and hates fantasy. Sorry dude, you’re exposed.

Media: Stop thinking Madden is a part of gamer culture. It isn’t. It’s not because these twerps keep buying it for their “football fix.” They don’t respect gaming culture, they never have. And respecting gamers doesn’t mean saying you dropped the warp flute in Super Mario Brothers 3 back in the day. These guys want their sport and possibly mainstream fixes but that’s it. They don’t like being called gamers so stop calling them that and lumping them in with us.

So either A: Madden Guy, realize you’re a gamer and start enjoying what that box has and supporting us or B: You just need to be lumped in as the “Jerks who buy game consoles for sports games.” Either way I’m happy with it. But right now, Madden Guy-you’re not a gamer. You don’t want to be, we don’t want you to be, so we want you to go play Madden in your basement. So stop buying Madden games.

And EA: Stop releasing Madden updates every year.

If that happened we’d never have to worry about Madden Guy.

Author: Pat Holloway View all posts by
Patrick Holloway is a video games journalist with a wealth of knowledge about the industry. When he's not reading up on every news bit on the internet about the gaming industry he's lifting weights. He likes grilled salmon sushi.
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